Should I Leave My Marriage? A 7‑Step Personal Clarity Guide
Feeling torn is common. This guide gives you a calm, practical way to decide whether to work on the marriage, leave, or pause for discernment. It’s written for one person—you—so you can move from spinning to steady next steps. A national study of common self‑help repair efforts among people considering divorce found that many people start with private steps before telling anyone (Galovan et al., 2022).
1) Should I Leave My Marriage? Safety First (Non-Negotiables)
Before any decision work, check for physical or sexual violence, threats, stalking, coercive control, or financial abuse. If any of these are present, make a safety plan and reach out to specialized supports right away. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911. Physical or emotional abuse are serious signs to consider when making a decision leave a marriage. However, research also suggests that leaving an abusive marriage can also be dangerous. For that reason it makes sense to consult with experts in intimate partner violence like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788).
2) Prioritizing your needs and goals
When you're navigating the crossroads of an unhappy marriage, it's essential to put your own psychological well-being and personal goals at the center of your decision-making process. Over the past two decades, peer-reviewed research published in clinical journals on marriage and relationships has demonstrated that remaining in a troubled marital relationship can exact a significant toll on your emotional health—leading to measurable increases in stress hormones, anxiety disorders, and even clinical depression. Unhappiness in a marriage often stems from unmet needs, lack of communication, and differences in priorities or values. Staying in a toxic relationship can also teach children that dysfunctional dynamics are normal, potentially affecting their future relationships. While the prospect of leaving can feel extremely challenging (especially when extended family members, children, or social networks are involved)—in some cases moving forward represents the healthiest choice you can make for yourself and your psychological future.
Only you can truly assess what you need to feel safe, respected, and emotionally fulfilled in your relationship. Take deliberate time to engage in self-reflection about your feelings, desires, and what you want your life trajectory to look like moving forward. This introspective process isn't easy, and it's completely normal—expected, even—to experience fear, uncertainty, or feelings of guilt. But prioritizing your own emotional safety and psychological well-being is not selfish behavior—it's a necessary foundation for creating any healthy relationship, whether that's within your current marriage or in a new life chapter beyond it.
Seeking professional support can make a world of difference in your decision-making process. A licensed marriage and family therapist can help you sort through complex emotions, clarify your authentic desires, and provide evidence-based guidance through this challenging transition. Couples therapy may also help you and your spouse address long-standing relational patterns and determine if your marriage has the potential for meaningful repair. Couples who seek therapy often experience significant improvements in relationship satisfaction. Lean on trusted friends and family members for emotional support, and don't hesitate to ask for help as you navigate this psychological journey (recognizing that professional guidance often provides the most objective perspective).
If you've come to realize that your marriage no longer meets your fundamental emotional needs or provides the psychological safety and mutual respect you deserve, it may be time to consider the next steps in your life path. The legal process of divorce can feel overwhelming, but with the right therapeutic support and a clear focus on your own mental health needs, you can move through it with greater emotional clarity and psychological strength. Remember, decades of research and the documented experiences of countless individuals show that it is entirely possible to create a new, fulfilling life after divorce—one that prioritizes your authentic well-being. Divorce often brings about feelings of loneliness and unhappiness for the individual who sought it, so taking deliberate steps to care for your mental health is crucial. The process of divorce is often seen as one of the most stressful life events a person can experience, so taking deliberate steps to care for your mental health is crucial.
Ultimately, deciding whether to remain married or move forward is a deeply personal choice that only you can make. By prioritizing your own psychological needs, listening carefully to your emotional responses, and seeking the right professional support, you can make a decision that honors your authentic truth and sets the foundation for a healthier, more fulfilling future. You deserve a relationship—and a life—that brings you genuine joy, mutual respect, and optimal emotional health.
3) Know your three paths
You don’t have to choose forever today—you need a next right step. Sometimes, in the midst of marital struggles, you may realize important truths about yourself, your relationship, or what you truly need moving forward.
Stay and work, time‑limited. Try a structured plan (see below) and measure progress. How you have felt in the marriage—whether cherished, respected, or neglected—can deeply influence your decision-making process. If you are a parent, your emotional well-being and caregiving responsibilities are central to your choices and the stability of your children. Consider how both spouses contribute to the relationship dynamic and how their actions affect outcomes. Passive-aggressive expressions can escalate into more aggressive pleas and indicate marital distress, highlighting the need for open communication. Remember, even with the best intentions, certain outcomes like divorce can still happen despite your efforts. Therapy often leads to healthier decision-making and can provide the support needed to navigate these challenges. Many clients seek therapy to address marriage issues, and a therapist’s role is to guide each client through complex feelings and choices. Sometimes, it takes a push to overcome fears or challenges and move toward healing. Divorcing is a complex and emotional process that requires thoughtful consideration. Expectations—what you thought would happen or how your partner would act—can shape your perceptions and decisions. It’s easy to go wrong by making hasty choices or neglecting your own needs. There is no easy path; leaving is rarely simple or pain-free. If you feel like you’re fighting a losing battle, it’s important to acknowledge those emotions. Many factors, such as communication or compatibility, contribute to marital dissatisfaction. Infidelity can lead to a great deal of distress and can even cause trauma responses according to experts. For that reason it is best to address infidelity with the support of a professional. No matter the source, all issues deserve attention and care. When hope feels lost, despair can set in, making it hard to see a way forward. Understanding the main point behind your decisions—what you truly want for yourself and your family—is crucial. Sometimes, taking a break can provide clarity before making a final decision. Each person has responsibility for their choices and actions in the relationship. Avoiding destructive fighting and focusing on peaceful resolution is key. Desire to heal or improve the relationship can motivate positive change. Finding fulfillment in your lives outside of marriage can also support your well-being. Understanding your partner’s perspective and needs may help foster connection. Of course, being divorced has long-term impacts on you and those around you. While effects are variable, divorce affects both parents and can influence children’s stability and emotional health. Managing anger is essential for healthy communication, decision-making, and family well-being. Even after divorce, it’s possible to remain a friend to your ex-spouse, which can benefit co-parenting. Divorce impacts not just individuals but entire families, so consider the broader effects. With effort, some marriages can be saved, even after significant challenges. It’s normal to wonder about the future and whether reconciliation or regret will follow. As a parent, your role in co-parenting is vital for your children’s well-being. Ultimately, finding the answer that brings you clarity and peace is the goal.
Leave, with care. Plan for safety, kids, housing, and finances; aim for dignity in the process. Think about where you want to be in five years—will this decision support your happiness and growth and long-term family stability?
Discernment counseling. A brief, structured option when partners want different things; it builds clarity and confidence rather than trying to fix the relationship right away (discernment counseling for mixed‑agenda couples; Doherty, Harris, & Wilde, 2016).
4) A simple personal framework
Use these lenses to get clearer:
Values & non‑negotiables. What must be present (respect, honesty, safety)? What cannot continue?
Relationship snapshot. Warmth vs. contempt/withdrawal; can the two of you repair after conflict; do small bids for connection land?
Well‑being. Mood, sleep, substance use, trauma triggers; impact on kids.
Capacity for change. Willingness + specific actions from each partner.
Past efforts. What helped even a little? What didn’t?
There isn’t one “best” therapy for everyone; several approaches can help, so fit matters (critical review of marital therapy outcomes; Wesley & Waring, 1996). Couple‑based care can also support related mental‑health needs (empirically supported couple‑based interventions; Baucom et al., 1998). At the Providence Therapy Group we rely on two empirically-supported treatments: Emotionally-focused couples therapy and the Gottman approach.
Watch the tension trend. Rising day‑to‑day tension—especially if it stays high—has been linked with higher divorce risk in long‑term data (longitudinal evidence on marital tension and divorce risk; Birditt et al., 2017). If tension remains high despite good‑faith efforts, that’s important information.
Consider hope and forgiveness work in high‑conflict cases. A blended approach that includes hope and forgiveness strategies showed promise for reducing certain stuck patterns in couples filing for divorce (hope‑ and forgiveness‑focused counseling; Navidian & Bahari, 2014).
5) The 30–90 day* clarity plan (if you choose to “stay and work”)
This is a time‑boxed experiment to test change, not a forever contract. Keep it simple and specific:
Ground rules: kindness, time‑outs for escalation, and clear follow‑through.
Weekly rhythm: one stress‑reducing conversation; one short connection ritual; one logistics meeting.
Conflict tools: softer start‑ups, quick repair attempts, and de‑escalation steps.
Individual work: address personal blockers (e.g., trauma care, sobriety support).
Measure progress: pick three visible signs (fewer blowups, quicker repairs, more daily positives); review weekly and adjust.
Skills‑based routines like these are a core prevention principle and can lower risk when practiced consistently (behavioral prevention approaches; Sayers, Kohn, & Heavey, 1998). *It’s best to work with a licensed professional to discern what about of time makes sense and what activities should be engaged in during this time.
6) Reading the signals: improving vs. stuck
Use what you see—not just what you hope. Over the next few weeks, notice:
Signs of improving
Calmer openings to hard talks; fewer blowups
Repairs that actually land (“You’re right, let me try again”)
Follow‑through on agreed actions for 8+ weeks
More small positives (turning toward bids, appreciation, shared humor)
Signs of stuck
Broken safety agreements or ongoing coercion
Escalation without repair; chronic contempt or withdrawal
Promises without action; moving goalposts
If you’re seeing a mix, keep using your clarity plan and review weekly. If things slide back quickly or feel unsafe, re‑evaluate your path.
7) If you decide to leave (leave well)
Deciding to end a marriage is heavy. You can still protect dignity, safety, and children’s well‑being. Consider:
Safety and logistics: housing, finances, documents, and private communication plans
Legal consults: understand options before making big moves
Support team: therapist, trusted friends/family, advocacy resources
For kids: low‑conflict co‑parenting, predictable routines, clear age‑appropriate messages. Children are aware of tension and constant arguing, which can negatively impact their emotional health, so minimizing conflict is essential. Children's reactions to their parents' divorce can include emotional distress and behavioral problems, making it crucial to provide stability and reassurance during this time.
Therapists often aim for a process sometimes called a constructive divorce—a path that reduces harm and keeps the focus on health and stability (constructive divorce framework; Kressel & Deutsch, 1977). Collaborative law and mediation are processes that can help couples negotiate divorce peacefully, ensuring that both parties can work toward a resolution that minimizes conflict and prioritizes mutual respect.
Ready to talk this through?
If you’re in Rhode Island and want a calm space to sort this out, our Providence therapists can help you map next steps—whether that’s a 30–90 day clarity plan, discernment counseling, or individual support while you decide. You do not have to make a forever decision today. The goal is steady clarity—and care for yourself—one step at a time.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I leave my marriage if I'm feeling unhappy?
Deciding whether to leave your marriage is a deeply personal choice that only you can make. It's important to consider your emotional health, safety, and whether the relationship is a healthy one. Consulting a licensed marriage and family therapist can help you explore your feelings and identify if your marriage is worth saving or if moving forward with separation is the right decision.
How can couples therapy help in a troubled marriage?
Couples therapy provides a safe space to improve emotional safety, mutual respect, and communication between partners. It can help address underlying issues such as addiction, infidelity, or ongoing fighting, and support both partners in working toward a healthier relationship or making informed decisions about their future.
What role does a family therapist play in the legal process of separation?
While family therapists do not provide legal advice, they can support individuals and couples emotionally throughout the legal process. They help manage stress, facilitate communication, and promote emotional safety during what can be an extremely difficult transition involving separation or divorce.
How long should I wait before making a final decision about leaving?
Many experts recommend taking time—often a period like many weeks to a few months—to reflect and ideally engage in counseling before making a final decision. This allows you to better understand your own needs, assess the relationship realistically, and consider the impact on family members and your own future.
What factors should I consider when deciding to stay married or leave?
Consider your own needs, the presence of mutual respect, the safety and wellbeing of all involved, and whether both partners are willing to put in the hard work required to save the marriage. Research published over the past two decades shows that marriages with sustained effort and healthy communication can improve, but some situations, such as abuse or addiction, may necessitate different decisions for your well-being. In cases of abuse consulting with experts in this area is essential.